Momma Dogma

My Mother has always been funny, intuitive, insightful, and not just smart; but wise.

Dementia has changed some of this. She is still very funny, although now her sense of humor varies from childlike, to irreverent and sometimes, unfiltered and downright naughty.

It can be difficult to remember just how smart she was, but I know her wisdom is still in there somewhere; it just isn’t always accessible to her.

She is proud of her five children, and she is amazed that she raised them. She just doesn’t remember how she did it. In the moments when she is aware of her failing memory, it frustrates her.  I tell her that she is a great Mom, she did her job well, and now she has five children to help her remember the things she has forgotten.

“Well, I suppose so.” is her response.

As I remember it, she was never overbearing or terribly opinionated; quite the opposite.  She was pretty easy going and didn’t get too upset about much. She was firm, but she didn’t shout or yell often. Instead, she relied on nonverbal communication: “The Lois Face.”

The Lois Face is not a single expression. It is fluid. A series of quick facial movements: eyebrow raise, lip purse, lip biting, eye closing, lip smacking, eye opening.  Go ahead, try it.

The Lois Face was incredibly effective at instantly conveying complete disapproval. It resulted in that yucky  “uh-oh-I’m-in-trouble-feeling” in the pit of the stomach. She still uses it occasionally, especially if she is feeling bossed around and needs to reassert that she is, in her words, “still the mommie.”

Like all Mothers, there are certain philosophies, guidelines, responses and rules that she repeated through the years, with great conviction.  No one questioned them or disputed them. It is her Momma Dogma.

I’ve compiled a list of my Mother’s classics……before I forget them!

Some of these are quirky, some are completely accurate, and I admit, a few of them have caused me to roll my eyes, after hearing them repeatedly over the years!

Whether they are “right” or not, they still ring in my ears, and I admit….I pretty much live by these rules.

In honor of Mothers Day, I am sharing some of my Mother’s wisdom:

Homemaking

• When house hunting, picture where the Christmas tree would go
• When shopping for a new set of dinnerware, picture a fried egg on the plate
• Don’t buy anything sold door-to-door:  If it was really great, they would sell it in stores
• Use half the recommended amount of laundry detergent -your clothes will last longer.  They are in the business of selling soap.
• Put your crystal stemware in the dishwasher: It will be safer than hand washing it and risking knocking it against the side of the sink
• Get your hands wet, dry them on a rag. That is your dust cloth.
• If you think it smells funny, just  throw it out. I don’t need to smell it. (I think someone had a weak stomach)

Fashion

• If it isn’t lined, wear a slip: the skirt will hang better
• You should wear the dress, the dress shouldn’t wear you
• If you don’t feel good in it, get rid of it
• Don’t buy it just because it is on sale
• Never buy cheap bras
• Nothing ruins a perfectly nice outfit faster than bad shoes
• A white blouse makes you feel better
• Never add lace to the bottom of a hem: It shouts “homemade!” (We used to sew.)
• January is not a great shopping month – the stores are full of cruise wear

Health

• Cut yourself? Put Bacitracin and a Band-aid on it.
• Got a scab? Let it air out, don’t touch it. Just leave it alone!
• Never pop a blood blister
• If it hurts when you move it…don’t move it
• Never eat fruit in the late evening; you’ll have gas during the night
• Have a stomachache? Lie on your right side
• Have a fever?  Stay quiet
• If you are nauseous, drink Pepsi, not 7-up;  the cola will settle your stomach

House Rules

• Boys are not allowed to sit on the furniture or at the table while shirtless
• Have you no couth? Please have some decorum! (responses to inappropriate behavior)
• No grape-flavored chewing gum allowed in the house (now I realize, it does stink)
• You don’t need a Ken doll. Barbie can play with P.J.
• Forbidden language (in addition to the big curse words):  stupid, shut-up, oh my god, god dang, butt, sucks, I hate you

Life Observations

• Bad haircut? It will grow.
• Why do people pass on a high-priced head of lettuce or cauliflower but will buy a bag of chips for the same price?
• When men have a cold it is the worst EVER…the only ache or pain we women get to claim all to ourselves is our period.
• You should never feel guilty. No good ever comes from it.
• They should allow prayer in public schools. They took prayer out of schools and then what is the first thing they do with the kids after a tragedy…hold prayer circles and prayer vigils.
• Mr. Business went to church, he never missed a Sunday. Mr. Business went to hell for what he did on Monday. (a reminder that it takes more than going to mass on Sunday.)

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Now if only I could master “The Lois Face!”

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Happy Mother’s Day!

What’s The Buzz?

Jane Jetson had quite the techie abode up in the luxurious Skypad Apartment Tower.

Did you watch The Jetson’s and wonder if any of that futuristic fantasy would come true?

Well, airports have moving walkways.

George talked to his watch the way we talk to Siri.

Jane’s daily phone chat with her mother looks like Skype and Facetime. In fact, recently, the Hilarious Sister introduced our Mother to Facetime. A concept difficult to grasp, for an 82-year old amid the fog of dementia.

“Are we live?” “Can she see us?” my Mother asked.

My sister said, “Mom, it’s just like the Jetsons!”

She got it.

The Jetson’s lived in a completely push button world. In fact,  Jane’s morning fitness routine concentrated only on exercises to prevent “push button finger.” Of course, she watched the Modern Mother’s Muscle Tone workout on a 3-D flat panel TV.

Lately, from the moment I wake up in the morning until I go to bed at night,  I’ve been feeling like I live with the Jetson’s. No, the bed doesn’t fold up into a toaster and eject me like a Pop Tart. Of course not, I rely on my cell phone for that pulse-pounding leap to the floor, with my selection of  a “bell tower” as an alarm.

The thing is, I don’t feel so much like Jane with her cute haircut, and button earrings; I feel more like Rosey….the robot. It is not only that technology and gadgets have made life easier; we now do things so mindlessly. Robotically, in fact.

While washing my  face with a sonic facial cleanser, I am on auto-pilot. No need to wake up, open my eyes and focus, because a quick “Beep!” and I am prompted to move from my forehead to the rest of the t-zone. The next “Beep!” prompts me to move to my right cheek. Two more “Beeps!” and I am freshly scrubbed.

I forego singing the ABC’s to make sure my teeth are adequately brushed. My sonic toothbrush, which sounds like a mad hornet trapped in my mouth, tells me how long to brush my teeth, signaling when it is time to move from one area of my mouth to the next one.

The morning continues with a background symphony of rings, whistles, and dings, each alerting me to the next task at hand. Text messages sounds like a clown car horn. Email is soft bing.

The old school drip coffee maker, (NOT a K-Cup brewer) fires off five shrill beeps when it is finished brewing. Completely unnecessary because I am standing nearby waiting for my caffeine.

That caffeine is the charge for my robot battery. When I am home all day,  I scoot around the house like Rosey. Spinning, pivoting, and changing direction quickly  reacting to every alert.

BIZZ! The washer stopped.

BEEP! Oven is hot.

DING!  Timer is done.

Beep….Beep…Beep. Microwave is finished.

BUZZ! Clothes in the dryer need to be folded.

CHIRP! Dishwasher is programmed for delayed start…but the door is ajar.

The one thing NOT making a sound at our house? A house phone.

My how times have changed. Things have come full circle. We are now so terribly modern, we don’t have a land line!

Sadly, the Jetson’s fantastic and fascinating Food-A-Rac-A-Cycle, which instantly served a variety of menu items at the push of a button,  has never come to fruition.

Maybe that’s a good thing. We don’t need faster food.

We’ve been pushing buttons for a few decades already, and have progressed to touch screens and motion sensing screens. Hanna-Barbera could never have imagined that by 2013 our fingers would be the least of our worries.

How could they have imagined, bellies and fannies would be the real problem areas in Orbit City by 2013?

Then again, maybe they did.

There is something vaguely familiar about Rosey’s figure as she scoots through the house.