Dear NSA: I can explain…..


ImageDear NSA,

Well, my goodness! You have been busy!

After hearing the recent news of your monitoring activities, I thought it would be best to reach out to you first.

If you are in fact surveilling me, my phone records and credit card purchases; your file on me may contain some suspicious findings and activity. Let me save you some time. I can assure you, this is all a simple misunderstanding. I can explain.

Most importantly, I have no Arabic ties. Sure, the history in my browser shows that I have frequented Farsi websites. I was merely looking for healthy Persian recipes. Really, I swear. I have the saffron and Basmati rice to prove it.

My apparent allegiance to the Swedes? It doesn’t exist. That monthly compensation I receive, disguised as “Nordstrom Notes” is not payment for selling intel. Rather, it is evidence of my commendable patriotic effort:  boosting the U.S. economy, and using my Nordstrom Visa to do it. You’re welcome. I’m happy to do my part.

I promise I have no relationship with France. I don’t even speak French. However if you discover I have enrolled in a French language class, it has nothing to do with consorting with the French government. I mean with party cookie Sarkozy out of office, where’s the fun? I would learn French only for culinary purposes, and of course to gain an edge in completing crossword puzzles.

My devotion to Sur la table should not be an issue. They are just as American as Williams Sonoma, albeit with a splash more color. So, my enthusiasm for Le Creuset and frequent trips to Sur la table shouldn’t raise a red flag. It should raise a red, white, and blue flag: the one with stripes and stars.

I imagine you’ve likely uncovered my strong ties to a few cells in the Midwest. Yes, there may have been some planning, plotting and strategizing during those numerous multi-hour phone calls. Yes, on occasion, bombs may have been discussed.  I am ashamed to admit, they were all in fact, F-bombs.

That’s it.

So, you still got your eyes on me?

Might I suggest, you ask for hazardous duty pay?

The boredom might just kill you.


4 responses »

  1. How funny! I think we are feeling a bit self-conscious. My driveway crosses a creek and the recent floods took out one side of the bank, taking my trees and boulders and everything with it. I’m looking at a 15 ft. drop. Anyway, I googled ‘best way to hold up a bank’. I meant as in retaining wall or rock formations. Now I’m sweating bullets – oh – shouldn’t have used that word. I’m sweating cotton balls.


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