Red Carpet Ready

Photo credit: Hollywood Reporter

As the saying goes, “It is an honor just to be nominated.”

While I’ve been crossing off the days in anticipation of the Academy Awards on 3.02.14, I have received some exciting news of my own.

I learned that I have been nominated for a Liebster Award. This nomination came courtesy of  Jenn Lost In Chaos.

My excitement quickly turned to anxiety, when I realized:  I’m not at my goal weight, and I have to be red-carpet-ready for my big moment!

Oh no, what will I wear? I guess I’m going to have to depend on shape wear to save my fanny…among other things.

Luckily, I recently heard about a new line of shape wear sold via one of those mesmerizing late night infomercials.  I had to see it for myself, so I got my Google on. I wasn’t sure what search terms to use, so I started with “Spanx for arms.”

I was surprised to find more than one manufacturer of shape wear for arms. Is this a great time to be 50 years old, or what?  No need to worry about bingo arms or bat wings in our future!

Then I looked more closely. The “Armery”  appears to create sausage arms, especially in the nude shade. That’s it. I vow to pick up my hand weights and do the necessary reps and sets to avoid walking the red carpet with giant bockwurst swinging from my shoulders.

During this last Holiday season, I was staying with the hilarious sister. One evening, while she was getting dressed for a party, she called me into her bedroom. There she stood, wearing only her black bra and panties and a cleverly designed “torsette.” By the way, believe me when I tell you…..she looked exactly like this:

She handed me the tag she had just cut off her new shaper, and said, “Read this!”

I sat down and read:

“Invisibly smoothes, shapes and slims. Wonderful Edge® no ride, no lines…Shape your waist and smooth your back….Wonderful Panel® no ride, no lines with a seamless appearance…..stretches for a better fit and more comfort”

The hilarious sister said, “Now watch this.”

She sat down, and amazingly her torsette was instantly in motion. Very s-l-o-w-l-y, the hem at her hips began to roll, and like a motorized window shade in a Las Vegas hotel room, it steadily rose until it reach her bustline. In a matter of seconds, like a high roller on the Vegas strip, I was enjoying my own priceless view.

Naturally, I made her stand up, sit down and repeat this. Several times. It was hysterically funny, and we were in tears.

As she struggled to peel off the torsette, she said, “You know, it’s a good thing people can’t see what’s going on underneath your clothes.”

Amen sister.

Needless to say, that shape wear fail and it’s tag full of empty promises was returned for a full refund.

In addition to the torsette, options in shape wear now include: tummy trimmers, thigh slimmers, butt lifters, cellulite smoothers, back fat banishers. I’m all for proper undergarments, skirts and dresses that “hang” correctly,  and smooth lines…but this is getting ridiculous.

Now we find out that shape wear can cause health problems. Surely, this is a surprise only to men people who have never worn any. While there are gents who sport Spanx For Men, personally, I haven’t heard any fellas tellin’ tales. However, most women have had a painful shape wear experience at some point.

There is the shaping-camisole-caught-in-your-curlers-conundrum; the bruising sensation as a Spanx waistband traverses the knees to hips region; the fierce struggle to squeeze into an all-in-one shaper that results in dewy make-up and messed up hair. This brings suffering for beauty and fashion to another level.

I had to help a bride elope from her oppressive shapewear halfway through her wedding reception. She could barely breathe due to a bridal belly ache. The petite bride had tiny Spanx so I was able to discreetly hide her bridal shaper in my small evening bag. No one was the wiser. If I ever had the nerve to ditch my shape wear midway through an evening, I’m certain mine would require something more the size of a satchel.

My own painful shape wear incident happened during a long afternoon and evening of funeral home visitation for my Mom’s husband, Gene. I was sure I was going to need amputation…at the waist, due to strangulation by a shorts style shaper. The situation became excruciating after a carry-in dinner of Coney Dogs from our hometown favorite, in honor of Gene. Believe me, the absurdity of eating hot dogs with chili and onions at a funeral home while wearing a shaper, is not lost on me. Frankly, I’m surprised rocket combustion didn’t launch me into orbit.

Wait…..What’s that? The Leibster Awards doesn’t involve an actual ceremony, a red carpet or a statue? I can stay on the couch for this Award Ceremony, too? 

Darn! I had a spot cleared on the bookshelf for my statue.

Silver lining: I have the perfect thing to wear. Yoga pants. Sans shape wear.

I’m golden after all!

Many Thanks to Jenn. It is an honor just to be nominated.

Now go check her out and see what she is up to over at  Jenn Lost In Chaos.

Ohhh….K, Trouble Is Brewin’

It started with a weekly trip to the grocery store. Gound coffee was on the list. A walk down the coffee aisle left me puzzled. Where was my Breakfast Blend? I scanned the shelves and realized that the ground coffee selection had been squeezed out to make room for an extensive array of K-Cups.

Really? Seriously? Is my kitchen now the only one in America without a Keurig?

Several years ago, I had a similar feeling when I went to a Best Buy store to purchase a CD as a gift. I walked in and found a large empty space that had for years been filled with bins of  music CDs. Sure, I had gone digital, but it had not really occurred to me that CDs would become extinct. This change I could deal with. It made sense for so many reasons. We have become accustomed to technological advances in the music industry. Remember back when a homemade party mix tape was the greatest idea ever?

But getting rid of something as basic as ground coffee?

I suddenly identified with my Grandma Thelma, who was 90 years of age  when the local department store discontinued her long trusted style of girdle. She was “madder than a wet hen.” Like millions of female internal organs everywhere, her old standby was the latest victim to be cruelly squeezed out by Spanx. The tags on her girdles were frayed and faded from laundering. We examined one with a magnifying glass under bright light to determine the style number. Hey, I figured any gal in her 90’s who still cared enough to have smooth lines under her Alfred Dunner separates, shouldn’t have to learn any new tricks. She deserved the girdle of her dreams. After calling an old fashioned lingerie store in Chicago, we secured a supply to carry her firmly through the rest of her years.

Unlike Thelma, will I be forced to convert? Will my daily challenge of filling the coffee maker without spilling water into the silverware drawer that I never fully close, be a thing of the past? Is that the aroma of java socialism I smell? Did I miss the mandate that our coffee be brewed only in pre-determined strengths and portions?

My Midwestern sensibility compelled me to crunch the numbers on the K-Cups. With two coffee drinkers in my household, each drinking two cups every morning, I just can’t justify the expense. It seems wasteful. I might as well splurge on a daily stop at Starbucks. I have now offended  several members of my extended family. So, I will clarify – no judgement here – especially regarding the Starbucks Devotees (we don’t need to point fingers or  name names).  I should also add, the real reason I haven’t made the leap to a Keurig is: I don’t have the counter space in my tiny step-saver kitchen to devote to one.

In addition to the expense, I understand people are concerned about the waste resulting from the extra packaging of the K-Cups. Maybe the reason we had to stop using plastic grocery bags, was to make room in our landfills for discarded K-Cups. I don’t miss the plastic grocery bags, but at least they could  be recycled in multiple ways: waste basket liners, doggie poo bags, etc. The same can not be said about K-Cups.

I don’t know about you, but I’m just not ready to trade the simple and comforting morning ritual of making an eye-opening  pot of coffee, for the convenience of a K-Cup. I am also not willing to try taking empty K-Cups along on my next dog walk.

Meet my at Starbucks?